Yet another death in my circle of friends...this time my childhood friend Diane's..her husband of 50 plus years who had his last struggle with lung cancer yesterday. Though they live 10 hours away and I don't see them even once a year..though did visit them in February this year...the sense of loss is there. It will change my relationship with Diane...and already has...but what and how ??? That's part of grief...and one of the places I sense the Lord is speaking to my heart to trust HIM for what tomorrow...today holds.

The big deal?? Diane and I have emailed each other every day for many years...sometimes with a text  on something super current....Yep, one of the things the LORD has been speaking to my heart about. How many times during the day I "talked with Diane" and went over the days' activitiy that I would share with her that night. More than once I was remeinded  HE would like me to talk to Him about that.

Father, this is what I'm doing as I write here today...pouring my heart out to you..as the unexpected tears try and escape from my eyes!  I came in from the garden and left the many chores undone to sit down and 
rest". I found myself shaking, and yet my blood pressure is within normal range. 

Is this grief? I posted this morning that Niel's death in Idaho yesterday was the 3rd death in my circle fo friends in 14 or so days.  Jerry was #2 and I got that notice at 8am two weeks ago from Cheri. I did the officiating at their wedding many years ago and was one of the first to do things with Cheri when she arrived from the Phillippines. Our husbands had breakfast together almost every morning for over 10 years and there were various times the four of us gathered together, sometimes with another couple or family friends. Cheri was a part of the three some of us wives of the breakfast crew and once a month we shared together about what was going on and the past 2 years it has been about Jerry's ongoing battle with Parkinsons.  Like Niel who was on Oxygen two years ago when my husband Gene was at the end of his battle with lung cancer..Jerry was already seriously affected by Parkinson's and struggled to talk though he remained a friend and he and Cheri were the last ones to visit Gene and hear his last word  What time is it? as he raised his hand questioning.  

Now all three  no longer are on the earth....leaving yet more empty holes in the month of September.

The other death this month has brought more emotional involvement than I ever expected: the death of my late sister's husband Les.  Les and Jean chose in 2009..16 years ago to separate themselves from relationship with me and they never opened the door over those years though I repeatedly knocked and prayed blessings on them, longing for contact with my only sibling.  My sister passed in July of 2024 and I received notice of it  5 months later through a cousin. I had few details of anything of her life the last 16 years but did learn that her husband Les had cancer and was under the care of my niece. No contact. Two weeks ago, on a Friday I received a note again from my cousin telling me he had receied information from my niece that her dad, my brother in law had passed away that day. There was little information given to my cousin though we did talk on the phone and shared the few tidbits that my cousin had gleaned from various sources. 

Since in 2010 I had contacted my niece and asked if she would be interested in maintaining contact since she was my only blood relative left. Her brother had tragically passed away years before. Her answer was NO, there was nothing to gain and it wasn't worth risking her mom's ire.  Yes, that hurt and was a shut door that I did respect even after hearing my sister had passed and now my brother in law.

I knew my niece had been on a spiritual journey and many changes had taken place in her life. It was time that I could find her blog and see just what had been going on in her life. And then the text came from Kristine,  my niece, telling me, in case I didn't know, that her dad had passed away and she included her phone number if I was interested in contacting her.  Later  I text her and learned she was away visiting her grand children and it was agreed she'd contact me when she returned home.  Over a week later, that text came in inviting me to call her. How I'd prayed and trusted that it would be in HIS plan and HIS time when I was ready...and learning to trust HIm about what to talk about, though I had that conversation multiple times in my head!!

3:30 came and the phone call was made and  what joy and thanksgiving came with it!! There was a connection, there was forgiveness, there was mutual sharing of hurt and pain that came from the rejection that affected most anyone that had been around my sister. I was allowed to see how much my brother in law suffered at my sister's hand...way beyond anything I had seen over the years when they had visited, but yet understood because of things I saw and heard my sister do to both her husband, her parents and to me her sister.  Little did I know the suffering my niece had  gone through at my sister's hand...I began to understand what a blessing it was that they had completely broken contact with me for 16 years...I was spared 16 years of what was ongoing chaos and hurt and pain that was inflicted on people in relationship to my sister.

And I would have not known this had my brother in law not died in the care of my niece. He would not permit her to let me know when my sister died, so deep were the lies that he had bought into about my sister and I and our parents, as well as the lies that he was going to face that he had bought about the treatement of his own daughter and grandchildren.  But now...it is understood...and what I have learned about those years, helped heal the absence of her presence in my life, seeing through my niece, how dangerous and painful any contact with her would have continued to be.

Through it all...I've learned to trust in Jesus, I learned to trust in GOD!! Had I not been afficted I would not have known how much I needed Him, and how deep was my self-sufficiency and dependence on other people other than my loving Father!!!

So as I write today, Im not shaking as much as I was when I started...my heart is somewhat comforted, as it tends to be more aware of the empty places left behind these people's absence...and now my head is beginning to understand the heart ache and is open to the comfort of Holy Spirit flowing over my inner man with the comfort only a Father can give...and the love I never knew from my human father and which I reaslize in so many ways, my only sister also never knew that kind of love and acceptance from our father....nor was she ever open to Heavenly Father's prescious love but seemed to fight it and spew anger and rejection upon anyone who had any semblence of Father's love and care for her.  Little by little I am coming to understand...helps me understand some of my own journey.

The past two years since Gene passed, EVERYTHING in my life has changed...the lay of the land, the property had more than 20 broken down, rusting car bodies atter his death and every building on the property was filled with parts of cars and engines and other items that took most of 4 months and the help of some god given men to help clean up. My dear dog Nala who had previously been my daughter's dog and we got Nala when they moved to Germany...Nala passed away in August of 2024. And shortly after she passed, I ended up with a spiral break of my right femur and the tip of the previous hip implant that required major surgery, hosptial stay followed by rehab and then home. Shortly after I got home and still unable to be outside, drive, etc. my dear friend Charmaine who had lived in her RV next door to us for 5 years, got sick, went to the hosptial with Covid and 11 days later was placed in an adult family home with all knowing due to her dementia she could never live alone again. So within 4 days of being home from hosptial, I was now totally alone on this property. One daughter 45 miles away and another across the united states, and one locally, working, dealing with her addiction and a nasty divorce...

Changes.....it is almost a year since I found myself all alone on this 8+ acre piece of property. I just had my year's follow up appointment from my broken leg/hip surgery and I am doing well with no major issue from that surgery, though the leg  still is healing and my walk will never be the same. I wear an "alert button" which just this morning was activated and while I was able totell the "base" that I was OK...somehow that person failed to cancel the alert and the first aid unit showed up....I had been vacuuming and didn't hear my phone so there were numerous calls from the 3 daughters who also had gotten the alert...

I have a new dog...her name is Missy, a one year old black lab with pittie mix, with beautifu black shiny boday and pure white feet...who is still much of a puppy. Life changes...and honestly time will tell whether getting another dog , a 1 year old, was wise or the stupidest thing I did at almost 80 years old. She is a good dog..but still a puppy and learning what she can eat off the counters and not get caught...and how far she can go in the fields and still find her way back. 

So....yes, I am grieving....and I am experiencing the comfort also of my Father's great love and care for me as I review all He's done and how he's been with me these last couple of years especially. It's just not what He's done for me...but as I sit here, I realize there are some major changes IN ME....I'll know more about them in the days ahead....

Through the death of my sister and her husband, and new contact with my niece, I have been confronted afresh of how much of my life was spent trying to please my sister, who was 4+ years older than I.

That is another story some of which I have written about. But since Les' death, for some reason I've been especially seeing how I've looked to my friends and acquaintes in various ways to fill that gap of acceptabnce I never had from my sister, and to some degree my parents, but especially my father. My mother lived with me the last 6 months of her life and those were 6 mos of great healing of the little girl that her mother never understood and who didn't see her as the person so VERY different from her sister. Those 6 mos especially my mom saw ME...and she LIKED me, and liked being in my home, and liked the way she was treated and knew she was loved.  My sister visited for a week and was able to care for my mother during the days while my daytime caregiver got her teeth pulled. So mother had my sister from 8am til 8pm when I got home from work 4 days a week.  I knew that week was IN GOD"S PLAN, as it "just happened" that my sister's coming to visit cooicided with the caregiver's need to get her teeth done....GOD"S plan...and it was with that inner peace that the week passed without what I thought was minimal conflict. I came home and my sister retired to her room...and I tended to mother's bedtime and needs throughout the night...as she would need help to use the commode beside her bed.

I was so thankful that the time went well....one major clash over my sister  needlessly permanently damaging my mothers dentures which left my mother unable to wear them! But there was little other problems for which I was so grateful...............little did I know what would come out of this....

My husband Gene was the one to take my sister Jean to the Portland airport at 1pm that day. After they were gone, my mother sat down in the big leather chair and with a sense of great relief, said " I never thought 1pm would come!"  My mother had finally seen the difference betweenn her two daughters and the difference in who we were and how we treated people. When mom was with my sister, she was treated as if she had no mind of her own and she was under the control of my sister. It had always been that way, I had noticed. And family confirmed that when my talkative mom visit at my sisters as she did for a couple weeks every year or so, she had little to say to anyone, even her grandkids who didn't get the opportunity to know her, becauses MY MOM never talked to them.   That was so unlike my mom, as I knew her who clearly had a mind of her own and functioned on her own...except around my sister...and there, like my brother in law, she somehow became silent out of fear. 

I was never like my mother or my  brother in law.  I was ALWAYS in trouble. There was NO pleasing my sister, and there was no doing anything wrong either...one didn't have to "do something" to incur her wrath or the blame which she'd attribute to me as she whined to our parents...often in the presece of guests who always believed my sister...

 I was in my mid 30s before I began to understand that I was " foolishly trying to please my sister." My husband at the time Chuck, whose attitude with my sister was F#$%^ it....and while I never used that expression, I learned slowly to stand my ground about what was important to me...and the result...the upset was on her...she couldn't handle that she wasn't in control of me and went out of control herself and, to the observation of people watching...no longer could I be the blame..because her choices didn't upset me as it always had in the past. I didn't change my course because of her potential upset.

One time  she came up from California  to do my mother's 90th birthday party which was to be celebrated at the local church where she attended.  She made it clear, SHE WAS IN CHAraGE,, she would bring with her everything that was needed.....and she ordered the cake and took care of the arrangements. On Friday prior to the event on Saturday, I had had lunch with my dear friend Joyce and she loved my mom. And wanted to do something....flowers....could she get flowers.  Jean had ordered flowers I believe for the cake table....and that was it. My friend Joyce realized no flowers had been planned for the many round tables and went around town and picked up small plants of chrystantemums and other fall colored flowers and first thing Saturday morning went down to the church and put them on the tables. They looked beautiful and welcoming and did not take away from the cake table which had it's own colors.  My sister was visibly upset the whole day...so visibly upset that the relatives that came from out of town, asked what was the matter with her...and was well aware that she had also distanced herself from me.   Another time my husband Gene asked that there be coffee available for him and anyone else that wanted coffee in the kitchen at a family gathering my sister was "in charge of". She exploded when she found out my mom had gotten the Mr Coffee going in the kitchen....

By this point...I had gained enough sense of my separateness from Jean that these things while not pleasant didn't shake me to the core...they had become increasingly about her..and others saw this. In those days, my mother was still terribly upset when Jean got upset...mom loved my sister and the anger and hurt cut my mom deeply but she wasn't yet able to see how that had played out over the years.

One of the last things my mother said while at my house the last months of her life, was  Meri, we didn't prepare your sister for your birth".....she had begun to understand what had gone "wrong" so to speak with my sister. But that is another story...

Meri  September 20, 2025

 December 26, 2022  Through a glass darkly

As we get close to beginning another year, I wonder whether or not most of us who call ourselves believers in Christ Jesus as Lord have been hearing or seeing what the Lord is doing or if we have had our eyes in the mumble jumble of what our fellow believers and prognosticators have been writing about concerning the circumstances of these days?

As I look through the looking glass darkly I see some things that look familiar to what I read in the scriptures...and yet I wonder why I am seeing these things and people whose insights I have valued over the years see very different things?

Strangely it is about Babylon that I see: Is it strange that there's a new movie out called Babylon?

Genesis 11: 4  “Come, let us build ourselves a city, and a tower whose top is in the heavens; let us make a name for ourselves, lest we be scattered abroad over the face of the whole earth.”

Dan: 4:29 Twelve months later, as the king was walking on the roof of the royal palace of Babylon, 30 he said, “Is not this the great Babylon I have built as the royal residence, by my mighty power and for the glory of my majesty?”

So the King lost everything he had access to and spent 7 years in the field eating grass like an animal. In his case, he did have his Kingship restored after 7 years as he repented.

Daniel 4: 34 At the end of the days I, Nebuchadnezzar, lifted my eyes to heaven, and my reason returned to me, and I blessed the Most High, and praised and honored him who lives forever,

for his dominion is an everlasting dominion,
    and his kingdom endures from generation to generation.
35 all the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing,
    and he does according to his will among the host of heaven
    and among the inhabitants of the earth;
and none can stay his hand
    or say to him, “What have you done?”

36 At the same time my reason returned to me, and for the glory of my kingdom, my majesty and splendor returned to me. My counselors and my lords sought me, and I was established in my kingdom, and still more greatness was added to me. 37 Now I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise and extol and honor the King of heaven, for all his works are right and his ways are just; and those who walk in pride he is able to humble.

I had a Christmas card that came from a dear friend and she clings to the hope that a day when the USA saw "better days" might be restored.

Over and over I continue to read from people I once trusted to see and hear what the Lord God is doing who are looking to seeing this nation become "great again." At the same time others are saying we are a great nation above other nations....and profess to be saviours of our way of life they call democracy.

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Yet, in all these things I have yet to read of the one of the things that I saw   clearly through the cloudy window:...REPENT...and indeed the Lord's works are right and his ways are just; and those who walk in pride he is able to humble."

It took Nebuchadnezzar 7 years to repent.... humbled as an animal eating in the field...yet he was granted another opportunity. Sadly as we in this nation are facing a variety of epidemics, inflation, rising taxes, corruption at the highest levels of government with little accountability, and a level of immorality throughout this nation often even unknown in "heathen" godless nations ...there is little sign of repentance. As I write this, I see even many of those proclaiming belief in the Most High that are not only not dealing with their own immorality, corruption, divisiveness but seem to have no concept of what "repentance" is in face of the Most High God who "does according to his will among the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth."  

Where is the Lord God taking us? Is it towards the one world government spoken of in the scriptures? IF so why are those who profess belief in Jesus Christ as Lord working so hard to "turn things around" as if the army that God has chosen to bring about the end times is subject to the will of man? The LORD God, Yahweh creator of heaven and earth and the very source of Life as it exists anywhere in the universe....is accomplishing HIs plan. It is bringing out a glorious time called the manifestation of the Kingdom of God on the earth...when ALL things are under His feet. But the path He is taking us requires that we let go of all our rights and trust Him? Will we find that we are more willing to yield our rights to an earthy kingdom in order to have some measure of financial security as our currency gets manipulated and our food supplies dwindle, and our peace of mind is interrupted by crimes committed by the millions of people in the world that are not subject to same laws and principles that we have held?

Among those who also see through the glass darkly....we tend to agree that there are very few who are even looking to see what the LORD God is doing as we are more comfortable with our traditional ways of thinking rather than admit we are helpless and hopeless apart from the security of knowing HE IS IN CHARGE..HE IS LORD over all the earth. Who are we to think our comfort will change God's plan for all the earth and heavens to be reconciled in His Son? Do I know what that means? No..only that things as they are will not ever be as they were. They can't be as what we know  and have known, is this plan of man  being worked out on the earth is facilitated by the very enemy of God who is controlled and directed by the Lord himself to accomplish that which will bring forth  the very purpose of God as He brings Peace to the earth IN HIMSELF...as He reigns victorious over what is left of the earth and heavens, and His beloved saints who have  His eternal life.  It will include, scripture tells us, the destruction of most of what we have known in this and past centuries in order for the New Order of  the Kingdom of God to be manifested for all eternity...

Repent and have your sins forgiven that you might be filled with the Life of God.then it is no longer I that liveth but the very life of Christ that dwells in me!

 Relationship

One of the things that I am learning about our Lord and His Ways is that He values relationships.

I had a dream once, and in it I was in a room with my earthly father and there were emails all over the floor.  I was busy going through the emails. It was impressed on me that I was more interested in the emails than my father and it spoke to my heart. For at that time I was moderating a list of about 400 apostalic and prophetic people and honestly I  was more concerned with the list and its emails than my personal relationship and time with the Lord.

This morning as I was waiting upon the Lord with praise and thanksgiving, I was reminded of the desire the Father has for us to have "relationship" with those that are put on our hearts to contact in person. Some years ago I attended a congregation who were interested in my husband attending services. They repeatedly called him and invited him to men's breakfasts on Saturday morning. My husband reacted to a unknown person calling him and inviting him to breakfast with an unknown group of men just as we would expect any responsible person would. He thought it strange and almost laughed it off...that a stranger would invite him to have breakfast at a church with a group of unknown men none of which had ever darkened his "always open door."  And 10 years later none of that congregation have ever made any effort to get personally acquainted with my husband though he's known throughout the community as a gentle wise man. I am no longer associated with that congregation for other reasons.

I don't fault these men or congregations. They are operating on the highest level of knowledge that they know.  I remember my husband and I attending a congregation some time ago and at the door greeting us were the husband and wife who lived just two houses up the road from us. My husband recognized them and indicated so to them. Strangely we weren't really warmly welcomed.. weren't treated as valued neighbors...and never had contact with them again. They never used the opportunity to make friends with us and my efforts to open a line of communication with some fresh muffins had no results.

Any testimony we might have or effort to share Jesus that doesn't ultimately invite an ongoing relationship is not in Truth and Spirit. It may be true and they may speak Truth but there's no spirit which ultimately involves relationship.

This is true not only as it relates to our efforts to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ with others..but as we have our own relationship with the Lord. It is so important that we have the understanding that He is more interested in relationship than witness/works. The scriptures talk of the power of testimony...about my relationship with the Lord and what He's doing in my life. That isn't about something that happened in some time before today...but it's about the on going relationship and the power it has in my life. That's where the power of testimony rests...who and what the Lord is doing in my relationship to Him in the now and in the past when it is accompanied by on going relationship.

There is an occasional example of God using someone that had nothing to do with the Lord God but was apparently usable...but whose life didn't line up with the Truth of God's Word.  

There are also many times when God uses someone who confesses Christ and is used of Him whose lifestyle stinks, simply...I was one of them...yet the Lord didn't withdraw His gifts from me. But used it to draw me into Himself. He never forsook me and continued to do miraculous things as I struggled in an abusive marriage and lived pretty precariously after I got out of that relationship before I came to understand that I had an identity in Christ Jesus and that I had the opportunity to grow up in Christ. He just didn't want to work  and to live out His live in my daily relationships.

That is what He longs for in His people....to bear the testimony of God's personal work in our lives..not just miracles, though those are powerful, but how He has changed us. That is the basis to relate to others...knowing He longs to have relationship with them and to grow the Life of Christ in them for eternity.